Heart to Hearts

As I daily walk amongst crowds of people, whether big or small, something lurks among them that I've never known. It is common in every era - perhaps a given. Very few people, if any, fail to engage in this type of thing. It is something I've never understood. Perhaps this is something I'll never understand, unless God will perform the miraculous. I am speaking of human relations.

In all walks of life, there are friendships and relationships. I'm afraid I do not understand either. In no way do I deny possessing friendships; however, it is no secret that I'm no expert at it. Keeping healthy relationships between me and other people, whether family or not, is my greatest weakness. For whatever reason, it is one of the least of my priorities. I cannot figure out why. Surely, people love me, and yes, I love people, but there is so much distance between me and them that I subconsciously demand.

There was a vast time in my life when I desperately craved closeness with certain people. For a while, it was a romantic impulse of a young and naive man, but it was more for the mere companionship than anything else. Now that I am older and wiser, the less I crave these sorts of things. In my bouts of solitude, I am fairly content. Occasionally, I am disturbed when my solitude is broken. Other times, it bothers me not.

It's very difficult for me to get attached to people. Someone can be my best friend in one spur of the moment, and me their best friend as well, but once they are out of sight, they are out of my mind. When they confess feelings of disappointment and brokenheartedness due to my reluctance of keeping in contact with them, I become highly confused. I don't understand this emotional attachment.

Perhaps I am calloused.

The current world is full of conditional love. Perhaps this was what I was accustomed to all along. People always compliment me on my talents, integrity, and what not, but it always leaves me feeling highly embarrassed, even ashamed. What really gets me is when people casually mention something along the lines of, "I wish I was as good as you." It puts me on somewhat of a guilt trip. Something about that makes me feel rotten inside. Perhaps our priorities were just different. While others were joyfully playing outside with friends, I was inside alone tickling away at the piano somberly. While others were joined around a campfire, singing refrains of Kum-Ba-Yah, I was sitting on my bed alone with my nose in a book. Knowledge, wisdom, and persistence were my friends growing up. Now that I am older, they have stuck with me. I've grown attached to them. Jesus came one day and overtook much of the equation. Once He stepped into the picture, I became a whole lot closer to my three other non-human friends. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge.

For whatever reason, I have little to no desire to be closer to anyone. I'm satisfied with keeping feelings to myself. I'm satisfied with the help I can give myself when I am down. I'm satisfied with my own friendship when I am lonely; But there is one thing I'm not satisfied with.

My biggest dream is to see the world changed by God's love and infinite mercy. I want to see signs, wonders, and miracles take place. There is not one doubt in my mind that they can and will happen. I'm extremely confident in my faith. However, love is greater than faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). And faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).

Since I'm satisfied with being a loner, does this mean I don't care about anyone else? Since I'm satisfied with the distance I keep between people, does this mean I don't love anyone? My mind is filled with questions yet to be answered.

I know I must care about people since my heart breaks whenever I see another's despair. It is also in that point when fear and the uncertainty of knowing what to do grip me. Despair is where the human soul emerges. Whenever a human soul emerges, my body tenses up. A hurting soul does not yearn for one's professionalism, uprightness, and etiquette - as such I flaunt in vain. It yearns for love: something I've never enjoyed expressing.

Surely God will soon answer these questions and bring me around. I'd rather have my mind filled with questions than to become steadfast on a guess, deceiving myself, preventing myself from ever coming to the knowledge of the truth. I pray the Lord would never allow me to think I'm right when I'm not right. We must learn to love His chastisement. "The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death" (Psalm 118:18) If I am ever in the wrong, may the Lord be quick to correct me.

This blog was mainly for my own personal benefit (most of them are), seeing my thoughts on "digi-paper," but I enjoy sharing my thoughts with the public that they might possibly see themselves in my shoes. While I may feel like an outsider, wandering as a vagabond, I know I am still human. My thoughts may carry me miles down roads less-traveled (or never traveled), but I am never able to jump out of God's control.

May goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives.

The end.