As I daily walk amongst crowds of people, whether big or small, something lurks among them that I've never known. It is common in every era - perhaps a given. Very few people, if any, fail to engage in this type of thing. It is something I've never understood. Perhaps this is something I'll never understand, unless God will perform the miraculous. I am speaking of human relations.
In all walks of life, there are friendships and relationships. I'm afraid I do not understand either. In no way do I deny possessing friendships; however, it is no secret that I'm no expert at it. Keeping healthy relationships between me and other people, whether family or not, is my greatest weakness. For whatever reason, it is one of the least of my priorities. I cannot figure out why. Surely, people love me, and yes, I love people, but there is so much distance between me and them that I subconsciously demand.
There was a vast time in my life when I desperately craved closeness with certain people. For a while, it was a romantic impulse of a young and naive man, but it was more for the mere companionship than anything else. Now that I am older and wiser, the less I crave these sorts of things. In my bouts of solitude, I am fairly content. Occasionally, I am disturbed when my solitude is broken. Other times, it bothers me not.
It's very difficult for me to get attached to people. Someone can be my best friend in one spur of the moment, and me their best friend as well, but once they are out of sight, they are out of my mind. When they confess feelings of disappointment and brokenheartedness due to my reluctance of keeping in contact with them, I become highly confused. I don't understand this emotional attachment.
Perhaps I am calloused.
The current world is full of conditional love. Perhaps this was what I was accustomed to all along. People always compliment me on my talents, integrity, and what not, but it always leaves me feeling highly embarrassed, even ashamed. What really gets me is when people casually mention something along the lines of, "I wish I was as good as you." It puts me on somewhat of a guilt trip. Something about that makes me feel rotten inside. Perhaps our priorities were just different. While others were joyfully playing outside with friends, I was inside alone tickling away at the piano somberly. While others were joined around a campfire, singing refrains of Kum-Ba-Yah, I was sitting on my bed alone with my nose in a book. Knowledge, wisdom, and persistence were my friends growing up. Now that I am older, they have stuck with me. I've grown attached to them. Jesus came one day and overtook much of the equation. Once He stepped into the picture, I became a whole lot closer to my three other non-human friends. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge.
For whatever reason, I have little to no desire to be closer to anyone. I'm satisfied with keeping feelings to myself. I'm satisfied with the help I can give myself when I am down. I'm satisfied with my own friendship when I am lonely; But there is one thing I'm not satisfied with.
My biggest dream is to see the world changed by God's love and infinite mercy. I want to see signs, wonders, and miracles take place. There is not one doubt in my mind that they can and will happen. I'm extremely confident in my faith. However, love is greater than faith (1 Corinthians 13:13). And faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
Since I'm satisfied with being a loner, does this mean I don't care about anyone else? Since I'm satisfied with the distance I keep between people, does this mean I don't love anyone? My mind is filled with questions yet to be answered.
I know I must care about people since my heart breaks whenever I see another's despair. It is also in that point when fear and the uncertainty of knowing what to do grip me. Despair is where the human soul emerges. Whenever a human soul emerges, my body tenses up. A hurting soul does not yearn for one's professionalism, uprightness, and etiquette - as such I flaunt in vain. It yearns for love: something I've never enjoyed expressing.
Surely God will soon answer these questions and bring me around. I'd rather have my mind filled with questions than to become steadfast on a guess, deceiving myself, preventing myself from ever coming to the knowledge of the truth. I pray the Lord would never allow me to think I'm right when I'm not right. We must learn to love His chastisement. "The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death" (Psalm 118:18) If I am ever in the wrong, may the Lord be quick to correct me.
This blog was mainly for my own personal benefit (most of them are), seeing my thoughts on "digi-paper," but I enjoy sharing my thoughts with the public that they might possibly see themselves in my shoes. While I may feel like an outsider, wandering as a vagabond, I know I am still human. My thoughts may carry me miles down roads less-traveled (or never traveled), but I am never able to jump out of God's control.
May goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our lives.
The end.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Key of Life
This blog will be more of a diary-like ambiance rather than my usual teachings/sermons.
There was a question that was asked at church today, right before altar call. The pastor inquired of the congregation: "How many of you think that life is hard? Raise your hand." From where I was standing, on the platform as a praise singer, it seemed that everyone raised their hand, including the pastor. However, for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to raise my hand. It seemed I was the only one who remained idle after this question was asked. A few minutes later, he again asked the same question. I, again, had my hand at my side, feeling slightly awkward at the strange looks I was getting.
The response shocked me.
Am I really the only one who doesn't think life is difficult? I had thought it was at one point, but then as life went on, things became much easier as I grew in the Lord. Am I in the wrong to have kept my hands at my sides? Was I just kidding myself?
As I think about all the things in my life, I see nothing but good. My future is rather bright. Yes, there are a few things in my life that many would see as fairly troublesome, but I've learned to be happy despite what goes on. Is it merely my perspective on life that makes it easy? There isn't a doubt in my mind that all things work together for the good to them that love God. Let us look at ourselves. Do we, deeply in our heart of hearts, sincerely love God? It will show by our actions.
By nature, I am a loner. Does that bother me? No. I enjoy living this way. In essence, I'm not really a loner, for Jesus always walks with me.
I believe that what would make life easy is to have the favor of God upon one's life. Is Jesus involved in every aspect of our lives? Are we fully conscious that Jesus knows our minds and what they think? He knows everything. We might as well acknowledge everything that goes on. Some of us open up wide to humans, telling them everything, yet neglect talking about stuff with God. Perhaps we put our trust in people too much. "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." (Psalm 118:8).
Allow me to be transparent.
I've NEVER trusted another human being before. This is just the way I am. I always expect people to fail, mistreat me, use me, etc. If we hold people up to certain standards of perfection, then yes, I can see why life would be difficult. I cannot count how many times I've watched people freak out in front of me simply because they had made a mistake towards me. They make a big deal out of something that never even phased me. It's never been in me to hold grudges or to withhold forgiveness. Whenever I was down, it wasn't another human being that lifted me up, but rather it was God and myself. Consider 1 Samuel 30:6 - " . . . but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."
As I travel from church to church, it's easy for me to determine where they're at in God. Some miss His plans by miles; others are right on target. That's the overall spirit of a church, but the overall is made up of many individuals.
There is a certain church I know of in which the overall spirit of it is full of doubt and despair. For years, I've watched the same people "cry on God's shoulder" at altar call every Sunday morning, yet neglect to change their own lives. They deal with the same problems, the same hurts, same struggles, and they lack progression. There have even been times when some have acknowledged this and proceeded to give an irrational rant against the devil doing a work in the church.
It's not the devil's fault. It's our fault.
Galatians 5 mentions works of the flesh. These aren't works of the devil, but of our own selves. The devil cannot control our flesh. God cannot control our flesh UNLESS we give Him permission. If we desperately love Jesus, then we are His. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. The works of the flesh are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness (promiscuity), idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance (arguing, discord, disunity), emulations (jealousy), wrath, strife, seditions (rebellion), heresies (nonconformity), envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings (wild parties), and such like. Verse 21 goes on to say that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
These are things only we can fix ourselves. If we have desires to partake in any of these ungodly matters, we must talk to Jesus about it. We should ask Him what the main cause of our desire is, that we may go about fixing it. Many of these things are performed out of human instinct in order to relieve inner pain and hurt.
If only we could have confidence in God's love for us. We should never feel ashamed before Him and when coming into His house. It is written that faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
I think something that many churches lack is to stress on reading God's Word. Either that, or the congregation simply isn't obedient. Perhaps we need to have sessions in our churches where we all get together and just read portions of the Bible. We must somehow bring understanding of it in our heads. If we don't understand it, we must either pray for the understanding, or find someone who does understand (someone whose possesses much Spiritual fruit). It is written that when anyone hears the Word of God and doesn't understand it, the enemy comes along and plucks it out (Matthew 13:19). In the same chapter, the Bible says that there are also those who hear the Word of God, love hearing it, but don't allow it to pierce their hearts. I think these are those who think Scripture sounds pretty and pleasing to the ear, but they just brush it off and go about their day. We should learn to meditate upon Scriptures, letting them become branded upon our hearts and minds, that the enemy may not persuade us otherwise. If we don't let it develop roots in us, then when tribulation or persecution come our way, we are offended. There are also those who hear it, but the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and we become unfruitful.
We must get this Word of God in our heads and hearts. We must do the things it ought us to do. Jesus said that if we love Him, then we will keep His commandments. If we aren't obedient, then we sever ourselves from Love itself. Without love, we are nothing. Obedience to God is the key of a blessed life.
Jesus, have your way in us.
There was a question that was asked at church today, right before altar call. The pastor inquired of the congregation: "How many of you think that life is hard? Raise your hand." From where I was standing, on the platform as a praise singer, it seemed that everyone raised their hand, including the pastor. However, for whatever reason, I couldn't bring myself to raise my hand. It seemed I was the only one who remained idle after this question was asked. A few minutes later, he again asked the same question. I, again, had my hand at my side, feeling slightly awkward at the strange looks I was getting.
The response shocked me.
Am I really the only one who doesn't think life is difficult? I had thought it was at one point, but then as life went on, things became much easier as I grew in the Lord. Am I in the wrong to have kept my hands at my sides? Was I just kidding myself?
As I think about all the things in my life, I see nothing but good. My future is rather bright. Yes, there are a few things in my life that many would see as fairly troublesome, but I've learned to be happy despite what goes on. Is it merely my perspective on life that makes it easy? There isn't a doubt in my mind that all things work together for the good to them that love God. Let us look at ourselves. Do we, deeply in our heart of hearts, sincerely love God? It will show by our actions.
By nature, I am a loner. Does that bother me? No. I enjoy living this way. In essence, I'm not really a loner, for Jesus always walks with me.
I believe that what would make life easy is to have the favor of God upon one's life. Is Jesus involved in every aspect of our lives? Are we fully conscious that Jesus knows our minds and what they think? He knows everything. We might as well acknowledge everything that goes on. Some of us open up wide to humans, telling them everything, yet neglect talking about stuff with God. Perhaps we put our trust in people too much. "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." (Psalm 118:8).
Allow me to be transparent.
I've NEVER trusted another human being before. This is just the way I am. I always expect people to fail, mistreat me, use me, etc. If we hold people up to certain standards of perfection, then yes, I can see why life would be difficult. I cannot count how many times I've watched people freak out in front of me simply because they had made a mistake towards me. They make a big deal out of something that never even phased me. It's never been in me to hold grudges or to withhold forgiveness. Whenever I was down, it wasn't another human being that lifted me up, but rather it was God and myself. Consider 1 Samuel 30:6 - " . . . but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."
As I travel from church to church, it's easy for me to determine where they're at in God. Some miss His plans by miles; others are right on target. That's the overall spirit of a church, but the overall is made up of many individuals.
There is a certain church I know of in which the overall spirit of it is full of doubt and despair. For years, I've watched the same people "cry on God's shoulder" at altar call every Sunday morning, yet neglect to change their own lives. They deal with the same problems, the same hurts, same struggles, and they lack progression. There have even been times when some have acknowledged this and proceeded to give an irrational rant against the devil doing a work in the church.
It's not the devil's fault. It's our fault.
Galatians 5 mentions works of the flesh. These aren't works of the devil, but of our own selves. The devil cannot control our flesh. God cannot control our flesh UNLESS we give Him permission. If we desperately love Jesus, then we are His. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. The works of the flesh are adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness (promiscuity), idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance (arguing, discord, disunity), emulations (jealousy), wrath, strife, seditions (rebellion), heresies (nonconformity), envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings (wild parties), and such like. Verse 21 goes on to say that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
These are things only we can fix ourselves. If we have desires to partake in any of these ungodly matters, we must talk to Jesus about it. We should ask Him what the main cause of our desire is, that we may go about fixing it. Many of these things are performed out of human instinct in order to relieve inner pain and hurt.
If only we could have confidence in God's love for us. We should never feel ashamed before Him and when coming into His house. It is written that faith works by love (Galatians 5:6).
I think something that many churches lack is to stress on reading God's Word. Either that, or the congregation simply isn't obedient. Perhaps we need to have sessions in our churches where we all get together and just read portions of the Bible. We must somehow bring understanding of it in our heads. If we don't understand it, we must either pray for the understanding, or find someone who does understand (someone whose possesses much Spiritual fruit). It is written that when anyone hears the Word of God and doesn't understand it, the enemy comes along and plucks it out (Matthew 13:19). In the same chapter, the Bible says that there are also those who hear the Word of God, love hearing it, but don't allow it to pierce their hearts. I think these are those who think Scripture sounds pretty and pleasing to the ear, but they just brush it off and go about their day. We should learn to meditate upon Scriptures, letting them become branded upon our hearts and minds, that the enemy may not persuade us otherwise. If we don't let it develop roots in us, then when tribulation or persecution come our way, we are offended. There are also those who hear it, but the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and we become unfruitful.
We must get this Word of God in our heads and hearts. We must do the things it ought us to do. Jesus said that if we love Him, then we will keep His commandments. If we aren't obedient, then we sever ourselves from Love itself. Without love, we are nothing. Obedience to God is the key of a blessed life.
Jesus, have your way in us.
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